More Terrible Stories From “Our Town Jersey”

The people over at “Our Town Jersey” have done it again. At least this issue doesn’t have the same terrible Bob Beierle commentary on the first two pages. Instead he decided to grace his audience with a Halloween inspired story. It must be nice to have others actually pay to have your terrible and humorless stories printed.

For those that don’t know “Our Town Jersey” claims it is a “local community publication” and is available next to the real estate and automotive sales publications in New Jersey and Pennsylvania grocery stores and other local businesses.

So let’s get to the jokes which have actually gotten worse. Apparently the folks over at Our Town Jersey are fascinated with infidelity, misogyny, and sex in cars.

The first one is entitled “The Fender Bender” and turns out to be a terrible joke against dwarfs, or little people. In this joke a person rear ends another car and the other driver gets out of their car. The narrator sees that this man is a dwarf as he walks back to the narrator’s car. To this the narrator states “You know when you just get sooo stressed and serious stuff seems to get funny?” So I guess the fact that this person is a dwarf is supposed to be funny. Then as the man approaches the narrator’s car he states “I am not happy,” to which the narrator responds “I look down at him and say, ‘Well, which one are you then?’” I guess this is supposed to be funny.

Then we have a story entitled “Costume Party” where a husband and wife are going to a costume party. This story contains the infidelity theme that seems to be a favorite for this publication. In it the wife decides not to go to the costume party due to a headache so her husbands goes without her. She then, a while later, feels better and decides to go. She sees here husband, in costume, flirting with women both verbally and physically so she decides to go over to him and become the new recipient of his flirtatious attention. Eventually the two go out to a car to “mess around.” (Messing around in cars seems to be a favorite theme for this publication as well.) They split up and end up back home at different times as she left before everyone unmasked. Of course, this is where it gets funny when he tells his wife that he lent his costume to his brother because he just wanted to play cards with his buddies. So apparently his wife cannot tell him from his brother through sense, body type, touch, etc. Yes, this should be in every free to the public publication in grocery stories. Infidelity jokes are going to make this country a better place. Thanks Bob.

In another misogynistic story titled “The Perfect Woman” a man is searching for the perfect woman so he can produce beautiful children. Then he meets a Redneck [sic] (Real nice. This seems to be a common theme in these publications as well.) who has three daughters. He asked the man for permission to marry one of his three daughters to the man lets him try each of them out. (What century is this story written in?) The first two have slight physical deficiencies, but the man finds he likes the last one and they marry. They had a baby which turned out to be “the most pathetic and ugly baby you can imagine.” (Nice description. Some of us don’t see any babies as ugly.) The man then asked the girl’s father how this could have happened to which her father replies that she was already pregnant when they married.

In a story called “Italian Tomato Garden” that makes fools of law enforcement we have a man who wants to plant a tomato garden. He asks for his sons help due to the ground being too hard from him to work. His son replies that his father shouldn’t disturb the ground because he’s buried bodies there. The FBI then shows up to dig for the bodies and finds nothing as it was just a ruse by the son to get the ground dug up for his father.

In “Riddle” we are asked how to get out of a situation where you’re driving in a car and there is a drop to your left, a horse in front of and behind you and a fire engine to your left all traveling at high rates of speed. The punch line is “Get your drunk butt off the merry-go-round.”

In “The Wal-Mart Greeter…” we are told of a “loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman” who is yelling obscenities at her children as she walks in to the Walmart. The greeter asks this woman if the children are twins to which she asks the greeter “Why do you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?” To this the greeter replies “I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice.” Is this really an appropriate joke for a free publication in a Shoprite?

Next we have “Brooklyn Tony on Grammar,” another misogynistic story. In this story Brooklyn Tony asks to go whiz which his teacher corrects by telling him the word is urinate and that if he could use it in a sentence he could go to the bathroom. Tony then says “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, you’d be a TEN!” Another very appropriate joke.

In “Unfortunate Accident” a wife pleads for leniency, in a letter to her husband, after parking her truck atop his sports car. The punch line comes at the end of the letter where this woman writes “P.S. Your girlfriend called.” Another story of infidelity.

In Dear Abby we have a woman complaining that her husband is a liar and cheat and has been cheating on her throughout their whole relationship. She states he lost his job six years ago and hasn’t looked for a new one since. The letter is signed “Clueless (and butt ugly.)” The response, which let’s us know they’re talking about Hilary Clinton is “Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don’t need him anymore! You’re a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one.” Wouldn’t this be considered libel? It’s just another great misogynistic story from Our Town Jersey.

We’re getting close to the end now. Next we have another misogynistic joke entitled “Bra Sizes” where the publishers of Our Town Jersey seek to educate us to the meaning of the different letter-based sizes. Just to name a few: A means “almost there”, D means “dang!”, G means “Get a reduction”, and H means “Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!..”

And finally we have Our Town Jersey printing the cheese grater slide photo which has become an internet joke about the recall of Chinese made toys. It shows a boy on a slide equipped with the various teeth associated with a cheese grater. I guess Our Town Jersey is taking credit for this photo which is actually more terrible and ridiculous than it is funny.

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